the first game I played was Gender-Career, and it was supposed to indicate the extent to which one has a certain bias about women/men being associated to family, and women/men to career. In all honesty, I was expecting myself to get results which indicated that I had no sort of bias and that I believe women and men are equal in both aspects, but to my surprise, I did not. My results indicated that I moderately associate males with career and females with family, which is shockingly high. I felt so offended by such results and the fact that they had been MY results. I was dumbfounded. why? because I’m the type of person who is very triggered by gender discrimination and it might be the only topic which can lead me to start a serious fight or arguments, most times, even with my own father. I believe people with such a bias are uncultured, uneducated, ignorant, close-minded, and simply stupid. So, I was not at all proud of my results, and I was so sure, in that moment, that the results were fake, and for sure, not true. I couldn’t accept it. But now that I’ve had time to digest the situation, I’ve learned that it is a result of cultural and environmental misinformation which is very prominent in our Arab societies, and probably around the whole world. My father being a major negative influence in regards to understanding and associating gendered-roles, I can very much imagine that its possible that such false beliefs could exist in my subconscious as I was born into them and raised told that I need to accept them. all in all, this game definitely triggered me, but I learned that it is no measurement of true beliefs. I do not think the results are as reliable as they might appear, because I felt like the method of measuring them was lacking and highly uncertain, and unstable.
The second game I played was Weight, which is supposed to reveal bias against fat people, and a preference for thin people. Having once struggled with obesity, I knew for certain that I preferred thin people, not because I am biased against all fat people, but because I have direct bad experience with being fat. Indeed, my results indicated that I have a slight automatic preference for thin people over fat people, and I was not the least bit surprised. As a fat child, I was constantly bullied for being ugly and big. My father would tell me that if only I was thin, I would have been very pretty. He constantly commented about the way I looked, an dhow I needed to shed some weight. My friends always joked about it, and I started to accept it, until one day I just couldn’t. I struggled with Bulimia for a very long time, and then people started to notice that I had lost weight, and I started to hear things I’d always dreamt of hearing like “you’re pretty”, and I became convinced if only I went on for a little bit more, I’ll become even prettier, and it was a never ending cycle. so, having a preference for thin people is not something I’m proud of, but something I’ve idolized growing up, and so its become part of me, unfortunately. This game taught me that I need to start being better, and it opened my eyes to the fact that all along, I’ve been behaving and thinking just like the people who created my insecurities and eating disorder once did. I’m ashamed. In regards to the extent to which the results are valid, I am uncertain. I’d like to believe they are not very valid, but again, nothing is 100% accurate, right?
Zeina, thank you so much for sharing of yourself so deeply in this post. I never would have imagined. I hope you have all the support you need to help you in your life journey.